How do you know when you’re unfairly not giving someone a chance based on your own personal biases and when you’re actually making a good decision based on what you just inherently know you will/won’t like? I struggle with that a lot, going back to my quiet guy experimentation which didn’t work because turns out I think I’m right in knowing quiet guys don’t work for me, yet still trying to remain open minded to any and all possibilities that come your way.
My girlfriend and I talk a lot about “maybe this is my story!” When something feels so out of your comfort zone, so outside of what you expected would be your reality but you’re considering it because maybe, just maybe, your story starts like that – “well I never thought I’d be interested in a tattooed, skinhead who’d done time and was now rearing chickens in the midwest, but here we are 7 years later!” You don’t want to be the dick that discounted the inked chicken farmer with a chequered past who could be the love of your life just because you thought you’d end up with a straight laced lawyer from the City.
You also don’t want to waste your time with people who don’t match your perceived requirements because what’s the point when you already know it’s unlikely to go anywhere. So when I’m faced with someone who’s too nice/quiet, I really have this internal struggle. And I know, I know, what is it with nice guys always finishing last? That’s so shitty. And maybe “nice” isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s lacking balls, or lacking opinions, or the ability to stand up for themselves but what I mean is I need someone to challenge me and put me in my place and, for those few times in life where I don’t/can’t take control, will step up and take charge.
I found myself having this familiar mental battle with myself when I started chatting to Aussie Tech Guy (another cracker of a nickname). He was nice, too nice. He didn’t have any strong opinions on anything. He was passionate about his Aussie Rules football team but that was about where it ended. There were no controversial views or slightly un-PC comments, just no edge. And maybe I’m looking for those things only to make myself feel like less of a bitch when I’m chatting shit about the bad drivers in Vancouver or airing my feminist views. That’s not to say I want to date a negative person but while it’s important to be agreeable on a date and not be controversial just for the sake of it, you still have to show your personality and be true to yourself. Which I’d hope would include some opinions on something.
If Aussie Tech Guy was being himself in our messaging then I wasn’t sure there was much to go on, but if he was just trying to be the “nice guy” to get a date then maybe it could be ok… So we set up a Friday after work drinks date and I was hopeful it could turn out to be a pleasant surprise.
The surprise I hadn’t anticipated was that halfway through me trying to prise something resembling passion or interest from Aussie Tech Guy, I was distracted by a tall, bearded, hot and.. oh dear god, familiar Lumbersexual walking into the bar we were in. As soon as I saw him I remembered that we’d talked about how he worked around there and his office often went out for Friday drinks. So maybe I shouldn’t have been that surprised.
I was reminded of the fun chats we’d had the night we met and, of course, the pretty great time we’d had when we got back to mine. And I knew that if I’d been on a more fun date with someone I found more attractive I wouldn’t have been as bothered but, seeing as I felt like I was pulling teeth trying to elicit an opinion from my current date, my mind couldn’t help by wander back to the night with Lumbersexual.
Thankfully around this time, Aussie Tech Guy suggested we move to another bar round the corner and I was more than happy to oblige. Although really by that point I’d had been fairly happy just to go home.
When we got into our second watering hole of the night, I got my second surprise of the night. Our server happened to be someone I’d matched with on Tinder and had been chatting with a few weeks back. Nothing had come of it but I’m not sure if that made running into him better or worse.
By this stage I really just needed to get out of there. So we had one very quick drink and I made some excuse about needing to get home early. We quickly paid the bills and parted and I thought that would be the end of it. But, as I’m sure you know by now, I don’t always make the best choices so a few weeks later I found myself meeting up with him again. And to prove my point about there maybe being a lack of excitement with Aussie Tech Guy, he suggested we just go back to the same first bar we’d been to on our first date.
Now if that had been some spectacular rooftop cocktail bar with incredible views, I could have maybe understood the repeat visit, maybe. But it was just some local sports bar so it made no sense to me that you’d want to go back there rather than suggest somewhere or something different. Having said that, it was right across from my apartment so I agreed because at least the walk home wouldn’t be far.
I hoped that by some miracle the second date was going to be inspiring, that maybe he was just having an off night on the first date or nerves got the better of him. We can all have bad days at work that spill over into after-work dates or a late night the previous night that means you’d rather be in your bed than trying to be your best self for the sake of a stranger.
None of those hopes turned out to be true however. But at least I didn’t run into any other one night stands or Tinder matches on the second date and, in my book, I guess I had to take that as a win.